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Where do you start when you are looking for conscious CHANGE? When you’re looking to let go of the shit that no longer serves you, to break free and make a CHANGE. Do you start at the beginning? Maybe, but is that the beginning of your life, the pain, the journey. Or do you start with what keeps you up at night the most, what stops you from living your best life? Do you even know what your best life looks like? And even if you do, do you feel worthy of it?  Do you start from the change that you want to see, or the trauma you want to let go of?

For me it was obvious, though I had a right old collection of defining moments, experiences, habits that I knew that I no longer wanted to hang on to, it was the big life crushing moment that I had pushed down, deep down for 30 years, loosing my 8 year old brother when I was 14 years old that had made itself very clear that my time was up, I had to deal with it, or I it was going to deal with me. It just so happened to be fabulously timed with the big ‘P’ (pandemic). We don’t always get to choose when the timing is right. If we don’t listen to the signs, we’ll be pushed down the path without a choice.

Lockdown felt like the perfect time to begin a journey of self healing! Locked in doors with the family! It might not have been a pretty road but it felt like an inevitable one for me at this time, you can only run for so long. 

I needed to CHANGE my beliefs, my energy and my state. I started with talking therapy, a recommendation from a friend. I knew I had a long journey ahead, to a destination that I couldn’t even visualise, let alone see. I knew that I needed to CHANGE my beliefs around the past, and I needed to CHANGE my energy and flow, but I also needed to CHANGE what I was consuming content wise and my behaviours around my wellbeing and my self worth. 

After a few months of tough talking and an absolute roller coaster of a journey of the mind and heart I thought that I had got to a good place, I’m healed I thought, having dealt with some of my past, understood more of my behaviours and beliefs and relationships when it happened, like a bolt, after the high, came the thunderbolt realisation, I’d only just begun. The fact is, we never end this journey of discovery and learning. 

So on I went, more talking and needing to shift the energy I began a series of reiki sessions with a fabulous friend. Without realising it I began a cycle of purging. Starting with the mind, then releasing the energy, before the physical pain, so used massage and yoga to ease, and the cycle went on and repeated, and repeated. This lasted for a few months, a tough time but on reflection quite an incredible process, the three parts working together to deal with, shed, understand who I am, why I am, and then what drives me.

I shifted the content that I was absorbing to be more purpose driven and for want of a better word, motivational. Seeking nuggets of inspiration, guidance, learning. In the early days I found teachers such as Jay Shetty, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Toile. Listening to hours of podcasts and audio books and shifting our mindset, understanding more the importance of being present, gratitude, and how nothing changes if nothing changes. Recommendations to follow in another post.

Reiki was something that I had heard of, knew many that either practiced it or had, had it, but had never experienced it myself. As with many things in life I was open to the idea of it and had always felt very energy sensitive, in tune but did not know how to channel it or use it consciously, just aware that my energy was part of my currency, my superpowers.  From the very first session I experienced visions, colours, shifts that were incredible and really helped to support my growth. Moving the energy also helped to then further move my mindset. The physical element of releasing was also instrumental in allowing the blockages to release to create a flow of processing, the many mind patterns and habits I had acquired through the many twists and turns of life events.

I saw my brother in the visions, I saw symbols and visions of my future, feeling and messages that didn’t always make any sense at the time. but those messages that were meant for me did not disappear. 

For me moving just the mind, or the energy, or the physical would have not been completing the synergy, and cycle of what I needed to process and release. Lets face it, I waited long enough, and by the time you get to your 40’s even without the early trauma you accumulate stuff, a collection of nonsense, dramas, failures, fuck ups, unfortunate situations, bad habits, mental health programmes we run and life that often gets layered up and stacked in boxes under the illusion that one day we’ll have time for it. But unfortunately when we don’t it pops up when we least expected it and it forces our arm. Like the saying goes, “If you don’t give time to wellness, you’ll but forced to make time for illness.”

I continued to feed my ears with learning and inspiration, content and lessons that aided my journey. Reading books such as The Four Agreements, by Don Miquel Ruiz, The Power of Now by Eckart Toile. Once my deep purge of unpacking came to an end I imagined this was it, done, sorted, healed, but oh how wrong could I be, again! You might load the dishwasher with dirty dishes hoping that once washed they are clean. But until you take them out and re pack the shelves, you can’t use them and move forward. (That’s a me quote! I think it makes sense as a metaphor! If not, I think you know what I mean?)

The unpacking ended but the repacking, building, putting back together began. Feeling lighter, but raw, I started the process of discovering and understanding who I was when I was no longer my trauma, it can become your identity, consciously or unconsciously and even though you long to let go of it, it has shaped who you are, how you behave and has impacted what you care about.

Meditation became important at this stage of my Trance-Formation, and having paused the heavy duty exercise whilst on the spiritual, mental and physical purge and only nurtured with yoga, now I was feeling a bit stronger I set about putting my body back together as well. As an active, creative and clearly diverse human that is resilient and driven, doing was the easy bit, making shit happen and always moving. This part of the process was not about the doing, it was about being present to be completely honest and really grounding myself. I listened to a lot of guided meditations, hypnosis and breathwork, I understood more of the content that at this stage could guide, inspire and motivate me through the next phase. (Again I will share some of what I used in another post)

It was at this point, as I started to know what I cared about, my values we clearer, I knew what words, sayings, mantras helped and strengthened my enoughness and my self worth so I began my tattoo journey. I had always thought that I wouldn’t ever have tattoos as I would never knew what I would want for ever.  Like clothing, different mood, different clothes. But as I understood more of who I was, what I cared about, my purpose and intention in life, phases that had been important and pivotal, turned into to body art. The start of my body art journey, but by no means the end! I think at last count I am at 21! Let’s just say, now I have found my voice, I have a lot to say! The tattoos are written by people close to me, their energy inked into my skin forever with sayings such as ‘Everything happens for a reason’ written by my son, ‘I am my own muse’ by my daughter. ‘Roots and Wings written by my mum, ‘Laugh in the face of adversity’ by dad, and including the words I said at my brothers funeral on my foot, my brothers name by my sis and a whole written story inked all over my body. I love them. 

From repacking, I moved to my learning era. There are so many layers to my story and really I have just started with a brief over view. Layered on top of the unpacking, repacking was the realisation that much of my story was impacted by undiagnosed ADHD which has peppered the journey with fear of judgement, rejection sensitivity and never feeling le fitting in, more on this in a separate post because this is a juicy one and justifies its own space. Now the reason I mentioned it now is, my learning era brings mega triggers to the past, felling stupid and though being a brilliant concept creator and starter of ideas, I’ve not always been a finisher. Also why do one thing when you can do three, I’ve always found it easier to do multiple projects, I would finish three but would struggle with one! Bonkers, but it is what it is.

So let’s just say that in the past year I have managed to accumulate 7 certificates! including Hypnotist to NLP practitioner to reiki master teacher, yoga teacher and PgCert teacher training which to be honest was the most triggering and challenging.

I will go into more details as to the particular training I did in case interesting and useful and how I am using them all and why. But for now let’s just say that the past 4 years have been a whirl wind and the biggest conscious change I have made. The trance-formation has only been possible because of conscious CHANGE work. Something I would recommend to everyone, you will not look back, and it CHANGES the potential of everything. Anything is possible when you put your mind to it.